I am having a dilemma with my 2E son age 6. Over the last two months (probably longer) he has stopped enjoying school, and cries every morning at the thought of going. He isn't a super-sensitive sort of kid, so I am listening carefully to his reasons for not liking school, and wonder how to handle it.
He is being taught in a class of 20, he isn't challenged, the teachers are great but very old-school and don't like parents asking too many questions (found that out the hard way). They haven't seemed to acknowledge the issues surrounding him being bright but a little behind socially eg: our son wanted to play with some older boys at school, and they didn't want him around, so he pulled on one of their shirts in frustration. The older kid then threw my son, helicopter style around and around, letting him go with great force such that my son told me "when I woke up I saw the boy standing over me". I'm not sure if he was knocked out or not, but brought this to the teachers attention (the whole situation as relayed by my son), and was told later that day they had investigated it and our son was "getting as good as he gave". He was 5, these boys were about 7. I could go on and on.
The reasons he gives for not wanting to go to school are:
1) I hate school, I just want to be with you... (he is normally very social, not clingy and quite gregarious)
2) Assembly is too long.. (it is 1 1/2 hours every other week, and 1 hour opposite weeks) He actually sits still well, but finds it excruciatingly boring.
3) I hate hand-writing..
These things seem to be really affecting him. I've acknowledged his dissatisfaction but down-played it, not wanting to 'feed' into something which may pass, but it seems to be escalating. I have now told him I will work on figuring a way to make learning enjoyable, and agree that 1 1/2 hours is too long for assembly. I would much rather take him out of school for the afternoon and do something useful for learning on our own.
How much credence to I put in my sons unhappiness with school? When do I make a move to change schools ~ I don't even think another school would offer anything different. I feel a bit caught, not wanting to 'give in' to my son because he doesn't like a few things about school but also recognizing this may be a real issue, in the early stages, of what many gifted kids go through at school. I don't want to go on another year or so to realise he is now REALLY unhappy and with associated issues.
The ed psych said he was underachieving at school for his ability, and the teachers balk at the idea of me advancing his reading level at home, saying this would possibly create 'problems' in how he learns reading in the future. What does that mean?!! He tested in the 99th percentile for verbal ability and is well ahead of his peers for reading.
I have never considered home-schooling. Ever! Thought I would go mad...but now, after reading so may positive posts about it, I am strongly feeling this may be something I am bound to do as his advocate and loving mum.
Hey there,
I want to send hugs and say we are at the other end of this sort of behaviour. Slightly different in the fact that DD had some diet issues that were causing the frustrations at school to seem so much worse. (don't discount food intollerances exacerbating the "depression")
What set alarm bells off when I read your post was the separation anxiety which my daughter exhibited (as well as other issues) I fobbed her off for weeks before I realised it wasn't going away but getting worse.
Long story short we pulled her out of school this year and unschooled for 6 months as there are no different school alternatives in our area. Even if there was I didn't see how changing schools was going to fix anything. We've spent that time focussing on getting her mental health sorted and having fun with learning as directed by her. This has resolved many of her issues and we have our old girl back...resulting in her actually asking to go back to school this term.
Thanks for your message - it means a lot to know of your experience, and I will e-mail you.
I was thinking of extra things my son has recently said and done:
~ He asked me to "teach him at home". I have never even whispered this, to anyone, least of all him before, so that was interesting.
~ The Sunday before school went back this week, two things happened..
1) We were at the pool, all was well and he was enjoying jumping in the water. All of a sudden, he mumbled something to me that seemed to be a bit sad and aloof. I didn't hear him, so asked him to say it again; he didn't answer and slowly walked away from me in the pool. I firmly asked him to come to me and talk to me. He said "I just have to go away from you now, I have to be on my own. I'm going to die". He has never said anything like this before, and is a sunny, happy boy, full of life, so it was very out of character for him. I responded by saying "why did you say that?", feeling confused. I realise I was wanting an adult answer, which he can't possibly articulate. He didn't answer me with anything enlightening, if at all. Then he carried on, happy as ever.
2) Later that day after returning from the pool he went to his room, appeared back in the kitchen with his back-pack where my husband and I were chatting, and told us "I have to go away on my own. You'll be sad, but I'll be ok, I know I will". We asked, why, where etc. "To the forest (park), you can drop me off. I will have to find shelter but I'll manage. I have to stay there for about 9 days, then you can pick me up."
This just sticks out to me because it is different behaviour for him, and I want to know if it strikes a chord with anyone, for any reason.
Re: how to tell when your child isn't enjoying school
Author: Jessica Parsons
Date: 20-07-12 10:01
Hi Lovely,
That's a lot to be handling right now!
What strikes me most about this story is how the school handled the incident with the older boys with your boy.
It seems strange that they would have investigated it without involving you and your boy. It is also worrying that older children would respond to the tantrums of a younger child by escalating the issue, and if your boy was thrown to the ground and knocked out, that nobody reported it.
To me, "giving as good as he got" is a risky philosophy to follow (even if he could). Roughhousing when everybody's having a good time is one thing; physical fights from conflict is totally another.
You definitely need to be comfortable with his school, one way or another. And plenty of families have found that changing schools did work for them.
In writing this down, and seeing the response(s), I feel as though I am already failing to push enough for our son. (Love the responses / don't like the school).
The way school has handled a lot of things is just plain wrong, and I have since had a meeting with the principal at another school and will be making a move there as soon as we can get into the zone. It is a small country school, just out of town with small class sizes, and forward thinking teachers, and the desire to teach according to the child's level of ability.
This will be a welcome change from having the teachers say he is lazy, only advanced in one area (reading), able to read at a higher level, but they're keeping him back because of his social / emotional needs (to which I asked them..."what do you see? And is his behaviour any different than the other kids his age?"...They said he was just the same as his peers so had to take that one back. I can't believe the stubbornness of these teachers and lack of respect for a highly educated top clinical psychologists report.
I feel so much better, and free knowing a change is coming. I'm also looking at Gifted Online as a one day option. If all else fails, home-schooling it will be!
Re: how to tell when your child isn't enjoying school
Author: Dinglemouse
Date: 26-07-12 17:46
My son started coming home from school when he was 7 saying that he didn't want to be here any more, that he didn't deserve to have any friends and that he was taking himself off regularly to the top of the adventure playground because he was feeling so bad. He was normally a social, gregarious kid and I was really concerned. It was only when I was trying to find reasons why my boy would be feeling suicidal that I stumbled across the whole giftedness thing. It was only then that we had him assessed by an educational psychologist.
It turns out that my son was feeling utterly different and not able to understand why that was. Once he was assessed and we explained how his brain works differently from the kids around him, he seemed to feel more comfortable within his own skin.
Your son seems to be expressing a similar sadness at the lack of understanding from the school and the kids around him. The fact that he is 2E is probably also causing him frustration and sadness. 2E kids can be emotionally at risk.
I must say that I agree about the assemblies. I am a secondary school teacher and we have half hour assemblies once a week. They are very boring. I can't imagine being a 6 year old and sitting there for an hour and a half. Seriously? What the heck do they do during that time? I would be inclined to take him out, especially if it is during the end of the day.
Have you investigated whether there is a one day school in your area? My boy has found it absolutely fantastic. It is the one day that I know he will be excited about what he does at school.
That was a really useful response, thank you. It is wonderful you had your son tested and realised where his behaviour was coming from so you could then help him.
It made me realise I have been so cautious about telling my son that he is gifted for fear he would go and say he is 'better than' no matter how we coached him. The school teacher already put him down in a recent parent-teacher interview saying "he thinks he know everything about numbers" relaying how she then quickly put up 111,111 on the board asking him to give the right answer, which he couldn't). She added "he has a VERY healthy self-ego", said in a very disapproving way. I don't think he is a know-it-all, just probably looking for approval, and as he pointed out to me when I asked him about saying he was at the top of his reading class, "but mum, I AM on a different level than anyone else". So, of course, he does know he is different. And we've travelled across the country to have him tested in Auckland, and we now have him enrolled with the Gifted Online school, which is great by the way, I highly recommend it. I have taken care of those looong assemblies with the GO school on Fridays now. Assembly was full of notices, some singing, and watching countless children get awards for various things.
This is such a learning curve for me as well. Part of the trouble too is that he is at a low decile school which we initially chose for its inclusion policy (except it doesn't apply to my son it seems) and small class size. I have found the last six months increasingly difficult for both my son and myself. We come from a higher end income, but are not snobby at all, quite the reverse actually, and I have volunteered a lot, given money, been kind etc.etc. There have been many comments from the principal and my son's teachers though about how privileged my son is to go on trips, or have me to read to him at night, and a few "oh well, he IS an only child" darts aimed as well. That hurts because it wasn't by choice he is an only child, and is actually quite a sad thing for us. I feel very much 'tall poppied' by some staff, and also some parents. I think I've left the explaining so as not to create more 'problems', but I think this is wrong now.
May I ask how you explained your son's giftedness? And did your son ever talk about it at school?
Re: how to tell when your child isn't enjoying school
Author: lovely life
Date: 12-08-12 19:35
I want to add that I don't have anything against low decile schools, it is just that this one has turned out to be quite judgemental. I actually think it is good to have a broad sense of life ~ but not at the expense of education in our particular case.
Re: how to tell when your child isn't enjoying school
Author: Linda
Date: 13-08-12 11:59
Hi lovely life,
I'm glad Gifted Online is working out well for your son. I wondered about the story you related about your son wanting to go to live in the park for 9 days. I have a son who was reading very young and hence has had a lot of ideas and information earlier than others. I was wondering if your son had picked up his park living idea from reading about Sparta or some similar situation e.g. Hatchet, etc. I know that my lad sometimes gets a bit of a different perspective on things from reading well beyond his own life experience.
I totally relate to you on the 'judgemental' aspect. I've lived at all income levels and find that people just can't work out how to box me IYKWIM. Rejected by the rich clique because I don't do all the current fashions, T/A coffees and spa treatments, and rejected by the poor clique because I have overseas experiences, children are doing a few expensive things, etc.
Thank goodness for the clubs and activities that do help the children (and parents vicariously) fit into the community!
My son does like Bear Grylls from Man V Wild and when we go to the park there is a natural tree-fort by a duck pond that he really likes, and pretends its his house outdoors. I also talked to the lovely GO teacher, and she said gifted kids will sometimes talk about death and related issues as a way of expressing other things, such as his growing independence, or loss, for example. It doesn't always translate as literally as is communicated.
Others perspectives are so valuable, and I really appreciate the kindness found here. It makes me feel normal, and is so helpful in this journey.
Regarding income, put me in a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and jandals and I am happy.
I think it is kindness and the small acts we do that are unseen that make us a good person. I am still learning not everybody thinks like me - I expect the best in people, then sometimes have a horrible surprise! I suppose it is human nature to want to put someone in a 'box'.
Re: how to tell when your child isn't enjoying school
Author: Dinglemouse
Date: 15-08-12 20:49
Hi Lovely Life,
We have found that it has been vital to talk about how his brain works and why this can lead to other people seeing him as different. Yes, he has talked about it at school when other children have asked why he is away from school one day a week. The response of other children has varied. Up until last year, when he was at primary school, the other children were pretty accepting. This year, he is at Intermediate and has come across comments like "gifted? More like special needs" and "oh, you're really going to anger management class aren't you." He has responded by trying to explain that they do activities to stretch their brains etc but the other kids aren't really interested. We have always been at pains that "gifted" does not mean "better than" just "different" and he understands that. It has meant that he has more understanding of himself and the other kids motivations when they are being belittling.
How did we explain things? Well we said that his brain worked at a different speed which meant that he often understood things while other kids needed more time to work things out. We also said that it meant that he was interested in things that other kids didn't find quite so fascinating (his was penguins and shipwrecks). The big thing for us was to explain that the things that he worried about (bigger picture things like what happens when you die) were quite OK to worry about but might not concern other kids. We have always stressed that although other kids might not understand these things, his Mum and Dad do and that they are always there to talk these things through. We have stressed that his family understands how hard things can be and he knows that home is a safe haven. This has been a big comfort to him.
These kids seem to have an inbuilt sense that they are different. Explaining HOW they are different seems to make sense. I have found that too with several of my secondary school students. I think the earlier they are told, the more they are able to understand themselves and other people's reactions to them.
Believe me, I know how hurtful adult comments can be too. When you have a 2E child, I think that it's doubly difficult because the gifted side flies under the radar in terms of academics but you still get it in the neck because of quirky behavioral characteristics. I just attended parent teacher interviews last night ..........say no more. I can't say that you ever get used to it. You are just no longer surprised when such comments come your way. Thank goodness there are forums like this when you know that you aren't the only one...............
All the best.
Hi, I found this site after being so distressed at trying to make the right decision for my 10 year old son. Firstly I have a 13 year old son homeschooled as he has ASD and learned how to escape school and get sent home. So after years of fighting for his rights at school we pulled him out and have never looked back. Second son loved at school, followed rules, wanted to learn. But has struggled socially with making friends. At his last school he was beaten up by groups of boys, we pulled him out. This school is small and has a social group, but my son has been coming home now for 18 months saying about all the name calling, kicking him and no one to play with, and having him crying and screaming before school not wanting to go and when he gets home will arrive so angry that he swears at me and wants to throw things. We have talked to the school but they say he comes to school happy and they havn't seen him being bullied. He is withdrawing in class and not doing as he is told. We bring him home now at 12.30 as he is not coping with lunctimes. I got a ed phys to look at him, but she saw no signs of distress at school and school have said that he only wants to stay at home because his brother is there. They also said that the word NO was a powerful tool and making him go to school even if he has a meltdown wait till it is finished and take him. That they also think that he is confused about the name calling and misunderstanding what the children are doing.
My son went on a camp and they praised him for a big walk he achieved and being independent. When he came home he burst into tears and said he had his head banged on a concrete wall and slapped. I told the school but they said the boys involved were not like that. What do I do?
Re: how to tell when your child isn't enjoying school
Author: michelle
Date: 03-09-12 16:39
Remove him. He's being bullied and the school aren't interested in dealing with it. You'll probably find the children picking on him have parents on the Board! You are his backup person - he needs to know you have heard him. Childhood is too short for it to be wrecked by behaviour which you have no chance of controlling - theirs! Have been in this situation and it will never get better. Best wishes.
Hi, Thanks Michelle for the good advice. Sometimes it is just needing reasurance or a bit of a push to help me in the right direction. I think the bit about childhood being too short really stayed with me, you are so right. Thanks again.
Re: how to tell when your child isn't enjoying school
Author: Mumof2
Date: 11-09-12 19:19
We told our boy that peoples brains were a bit like cars. Most people drove reliable cars likeToyotas, but some people had high performance models that could go very fast - we called his brain a Maserati. We said that high performance vehicles could go fast, but they had to be driven carefully and wouldn't work unless the key was put in and turned. They required lots of fuel and regular tuning (he was having counselling at the time). He loved the analogy and it helped him understand why he 'got' things so much faster and with less repetitions than others in his class. Not sure if this helps though!
Maybe he does just want to stay home with you. Since you are already home schooling one child is there any reason he can't. Just make it clear that he has to take his work seriously etc in exchange.
