Hi - does anyone ever wonder if their child, knowing that they have a sympathetic listening ear and are understood and well loved, actually overwork some issues and fall into playing the victim role? I am questioning if the flip side of having a close understanding relationship, and being the 'safe dumping ground' for valid everyday issues that go with being gifted, is to allow the child to over- indulge themselves in the issues themselves, in a form of attention seeking behaviour? My 11 yr old son is for the first time surrounding by equally smart kids in an accelerated class and feeling that to stand out (easy at primary school to be at the top) is now, a whole lot harder - a possible motivator to exaggerating the real issues he is experiencing - to compensate for feeling 'less visible'. I suspect the above scenario is happening, and would be really interested if others have suspected the same thing, and if so, have any insights into how to balance out the real attention that is due to addressing issues, and when to identify if the child is trying to manipulate the situation for ulterior motives?
Re: When (and when not) the child plays the victim role?
Author: Tiz Me
Date: 03-06-12 02:23
In my experience gifted children are more skilled at doing it and no less likely than other children to do so.
Infact my youngest was quite the expert in convincing people (she didnt have to try too hard mind you) that all her problems came from being starved, abused and generally neglected by her mother - bless her heart.
There were a few things though ..... she didnt actually realise the adults TRULY believed her .... she over-estimated their perceptiveness and assumed they were just playing along for the sake of it.
She definitely learned to repeat the behaviour increasingly through being rewarded. But the attention itself only becomes a "reward" the need for attention is not being met. In her case, people were ACTING upon what they heard which is where the real problem lay .... not with the listening itself. They would buy her stuff and take her places and often become complicit in rebellion against my authority out of sympathy (ie go behind my back to "treat" her to something that amounted to rewarding behaviour that was detrimental to her wellbeing).
Nor was she deliberately lying as such .... there was a huge gap between her emotional experiences and her emotional expression - she was genuinely FEELING unloved, unheard, inadequate, unfairly punished etc etc and so forth. In very complex ways these feelings were valid and the result of an exceptional INTUITIVE understanding of her predicament.
Often its not deliberate when GTs do this .... it can be hard to understand because it seems to be the logical conclusion but often its intuitive behaviour rather than conscious choice so its more difficult for them to change the behaviour.
It may be worth talking over with a professional who has experience of gifted issues but I would think that continuing to provide a listening ear would be important. Perhaps some basic counselling techniques would be helpful - listening impartially and "reflecting" back thoughts and feelings (paraphrasing) but without becoming emotionally invested yourself ?
Others may have different ideas though.
I would be carefully about withdrawal of listening - it makes it more likely he may end up in a situation more like the one my daughter was in - with people who had no comprehension of giftedness or her needs doing what made them feel all warm and fuzzy instead of what was in her best interests.
Hi Tiz Me, thanks for your response, I agree its not a calculated way of manipulating things, its more intuitive - I do the reflective listening well, but I think what is useful in what you say is to continue this without becoming emotionally invested. That is the hard part! I would add to that to reflectively listen impartially – I can see now that some of my negative views about Intermediate – which are as yet undeveloped being new to it – have not helped the situation. I forget how much sub-conscious influence we have on our children. Until I am sorted in my own mind about whether he gets too much homework, or there is too much pressure etc etc, I need to keep quiet and help him to cope with the situation at hand. On those issues I have realised the flip side is: 1. He’s never had to work hard until now (being surrounded by gifted kids in the same accelerated class) and 2: Gifted children apply a lot of internally created pressure. I’m learning! Its really helpful to write it down here!
Re: When (and when not) the child plays the victim role?
Author: Tiz Me
Date: 03-06-12 19:56
Looks like you have it pretty well sussed to me ..... and remember that the parents of gifted children often apply a lot of internally created pressure also - its ok to be human and do it less that perfectly!
