We need help. Our boy is 5 ¼ years and is largely a joy to be around. He is on his second term at school and they have identified him as being very gifted in reading, writing and maths. However he doesn’t talk at school, not at all to teachers and only a tiny bit to other students when he is in a small group. He is reasonably compliant at school but does not participate in swimming and very little in any physical activities, he just keeps to himself. A quiet angel. At home he is the exact opposite with non-stop chatter and the normal amount of sibling rivalry.
BUT if the slightest thing goes wrong (stubs his toe, bangs his shoulder, writes a letter the wrong way, tries and fails to put his shoe on, writes a letter the wrong way) he absolutely looses it and yells “I’ll hit you”, “naughty”. He completely puts the blame on me and demands that I fix his problem, no matter how small or irrelevant it is. This can go on for about 30 minutes. You see it’s all about him being right and getting me to do what he says at all costs.
This evening my husband came home to me being whacked, bitten and pinched and yelled at to wipe his tears or whatever it was. The trigger becomes totally irrelevant, he just needs to control me.
It is very soul-destroying and makes me feel terrible, like I’m worthless and a bad parent for not being able to control my son. We are going through a particularly bad patch at the moment with two or more ‘episodes’ a day, but this has happened pretty much his whole life. We have a 2 ½ year-old daughter as well, and she is ‘normal’ but I do worry about how his behaviour is influencing her as she copies everything he does.
Can anyone else relate to what we are going through? I just want to feel like we are not alone.
I can relate, my eldest wasn't violent but he HAD to be right, to the point he would swear black was white. School was a bad fit for him and made his behavioural issues much worse.
I have a friend who's eldest boy sounds similar to your son, and she saw a child psychologist to help with his behaviour - just to get ideas and ways to deal with it. Is this possible for you? If they have knowledge of giftedness and behaviour/ sensitivities they might have some helpful tips.
Sometimes I think the whole asynchronous thing kicks boys really hard and emotionally they don't gain control nearly as soon as their non gifted counterparts. My eldest was very emotionally behind, and when my youngest son was 18mths - 2yrs old I was reminded of my eldest at 10yrs of age, so the emotional slowness affected my eldest for a long time.
Thanks Shar. We had the mother of all episodes this morning, with a very minor trigger. His rage was uncontrollable and I ended up very upset and feeling like a battered housewife after all his hitting and biting.
I'm definately going to get professional help. It may seem strange but I feel like I want them to give his condition a label, at least then I wouldn't have other parents say that his behaviour is completely normal and that it's just a phase and stuff like that. I know they are trying to be helpful but it just makes me feel worse, like I'm really not coping. If only they could see what happens at home!
It's all so hard, I love him more than life itself and I really want to help him, and in turn, help our whole family.
I have a similar problem with my second daughter (aged 6). She is exactly as you have described and I feel the same as you. It makes it very hard to enjoy being around them sometimes, my daughter can have anything from 1-10 of these a day! She has been like this since she was about 9 months old and I have always been given the whole 'she will grow out of it' blah blah blah from the doctor or plunket nurse. We are seeking professional help also as it is becoming more and more uncontrollable the bigger she gets. None of my other 3 children display these behaviours!
I have just recently, in trying to find ways of dealing with these behaviours, got out the book called 1-2-3 Magic and I am not a big reader of parenting books, I have always been somewhat confident in our discipline techniques until now, when I step back and I see my eldest daughter treating everyone like she is queen and my second daughter beating me up and my younger two starting to copy these things I realised that perhaps I need to read a book and try something new. I didn't have high expectations and I haven't started using the techniques in the book yet as I have only just finished it but while reading it, it all totally made sense and it also outlines all sorts of possible problems you may face with your child and then how to use the techniques in those situations. I am going to try it out, and see how it goes!!!
Just a quick note, we noticed a massive improvement in my daughter when we make sure she isn't hungry and we keep her diet pretty natural, as few additives and preservatives as we can. Lots of fresh fruit, home baking and home cooked meals from scratch and she seemed alot calmer after doing this. Just an idea to try if you haven't already. Oh and another, are you sure he is being challenged at school, my eldest who has never been violent became so after starting school and it turned out she was bored mindless all day and she was just extremely frustrated. She started getting work to her level and became our sweet wee girl again.
Thanks for that Help Please!!, while I'm sorry to read about your situation it's nice to know one is not alone. Is your second daughter 'gifted'? I'm still trying to work out if there is a correlation. I'm keen to know what others think about this.
Thanks for the suggestions too. Our boy's diet is all quite natural and I'm a big baker. I suspect he may be bored at school but the teacher would never know this as he doesn't talk to her. The school is in the process of applying for an RTLB teacher which should hopefully help.
I have a six year old son who is gifted. He had bouts of very strong aggression when he was 3 & 4 years old. Like your son, they seemed to be triggered by the littlest things. When he was 4 1/2 he was diagnosed with mild asperger's and dyspraxia (not suggesting this applies to your son also). This led us to behavioral therapy sessions where we learnt that these episodes were akin to anxiety attacks. Because his mind absorbs so much around him so quickly, he has a lot to try and process, so keeping on top of things is very hard work. Often a little thing would happen that we would see as very minor, but for him was the last straw, and his reaction was to lash out and lose control. Things that have helped have been sticking as much as possible to a routine, making sure that he gets a lot of down time in a quiet space, and keeping sugar in his diet to a minimum. We have also learnt techniques that will help him to deal with situations where he feels like things are spinning out of control. It helped a lot realising that his outbursts were to do with him not handling a particular moment, and not because he was being naughty! Things have improved greatly as he has gotten older. He still struggles on some days though it's nowhere near as bad. It sounds like you're going through a rough time with your son. My situation may not be exactly the same as yours, but I hope you find this helpful.
I would be inclined to think there is a relationship between the giftedness and the behaviour - being bored out of your tree is enough frustration to drive anyone a bit nutty, and if your reaction to frustration is to lash out then it's going to be magnified by boredom at school.
My eldest hated school with a passion and was disruptive at school and had major food triggers for aggressive behaviour - caffeine, food colourings and MSG all set him off really badly so birthday parties were a nightmare. I noticed that his behaviour during the school holidays was much calmer and more consistent than during school time.
I've found too that 'conventional wisdom' parenting doesn't always work with bright kids - you can't just say "do this' you often need to explain the reason behind it.
I'm currently helping teach swimming at my youngest sons school and one child I would guess is gifted and very sensitive, she was afraid to get into the swimming pool until I had explained the depth of the pool in relation to her own height - she needed logic not just the reassurance that if other kids could touch the bottom she would be able to as well. I'm sure the teachers roll their eyes at me but I like to explain WHY we do things, I'm a why kinda person and I don't see how trying to get them to think for themselves can be a bad thing.
I'm sure there must be some way of working with your son (and Help Please's Daughter) that will get through to them - even if it's as simple as redirecting the aggression to an inanimate object rather than you!
Perhaps school might be pretty stressful on some level for your son and he lets it all out when he comes home. I have noticed after just one week back at school how my older son gets pretty silly, almost hysterical, when he returns home, lots of chatter, sometimes repeating the same silly phrases to get a reaction from me. He also picks fights for at least the first 30 minutes with his younger brother. Then he takes himself off to be alone (sometimes with a bit of help from me) and rejoins us all much happier sometime later. Its not really a time out - he actually likes to potter around alone - but 'forgets' to do it after being with so many kids all day.
On another point he did have some issues with gross and fine motor skills in preschool and he would lash out and try to put the blame on me or inanimate objects when things went wrong (there was a lot of bumping into things at the time). We did some OT for approx 6 months when he was 4 to get him over some developmental humps and that did help. I always felt that as he couldn't quite make his body work from the inside, he had to find an external source to blame. He still gets angry but is much, much better at not blaming other people.
Nice post above from Shar about needing to explain reasons for things not just barking out an order and expecting them to 'hop to'. I certainly could've happily burnt any parenting book that came my way over the years and never in my son's life has a star chart altered his behaviour. I have however found things easier now I can appeal to his reasoning abilities by explaining the 'whys' in ways he understands now he is older. Always give the big picture! For example, explain how the brain works, how when you get angry chemicals are released that can make us say or do things we wouldn't normally let past the 'good guys' guarding the door - can't remember the exact ins and outs - but maybe having an idea of what happens in his brain, may be a step towards him finding ways to make the anger go away - deep breathing, running outside and yelling, to get it out in a good way. I always find if I give my son an explanation and then a problem to solve he will find an answer himself and then he can be reminded of it as needed without it being a control issue.
Amazing how easy it is to feel like a crappy parent if your child doesn't behave and how surprisingly superior it seems others are when their children do. I have come to believe that the job of parenting is not always one of equal effort for all and that keeps me sane. Good luck.
Just a point to consider .... many children can have strongly negative reactions to completely natural foods and what they react to can change over time also.
My grandson for example was, for many years, absolutely fine with manderines but would start turning into the demon spawn from hell with just a very small portion of orange. If oranges still affect him at all, it isnt in an obvious way but he still becomes tired and "not himself" if he has more than 2 slices of bread in a day.
I have found behavioural issues to be more pervasive in children who have difficulties with expressive language - especially emotional expression and in gifted children these can also be MUCH more difficult to detect so, seeing someone who is very experienced with gifted children is likely to be more beneficial.
Gifted children in particular often have exceptionally complex emotional experiences - to an extent that most adults would probably struggle to articulate if experiencing such emotions themselves - and are also often far more sensitive to the biochemical changes within their bodies - what they "come out with" verbally can be a complete "mismatch" with what they are experiencing and attempting to communicate.
I had YEARS of feeling like the worlds most deficient mother - just not being able to 'pin point' exactly what was going on with my youngest daughter or how to help her to arrive at a point of being OK within herself - it was heartbreaking.
On the upside - we both survived it ... and our relationship is good.
With my daughter logical, factual information turned out to be something she found considerable emotional comfort in .... and my grandson is fascinated by pretty much anything to do with "natural science" - we often consider behaviour and feelings in that context .... discussion followed by jumping on you tube to see how it works.
Jenny we have a similar story, our son is 5 1/2 years old, with a sister on each side. Our eldest was assessed as gifted at age 4, and my son is "likely gifted" (was too young to fully assess at the time). We won't bother having our youngest assessed, (unless, heaven forbid, we start to have not seen before issues with her) - pretty sure she fits the bill too.
I have posted my long story about our son on other threads. He's displayed what appeared to be hyper-aggressive behaviour since he was 1, and I too have literally been driven to tears by all the "he's just a boy", "he'll grow out of it", "have you tried a different parenting technique" etc etc kindly meant but totally unhelpful comments. I reached the last straw in December 2010, after he broke the cheekbone of my adult friend when she was trying to calm/hold him, and then he attacked me in the car whilst I was driving at 100km per hour!
Over the years I had sought help from Plunket, GP, educational psychologist, preschool, paediatrician... all to no avail. Our first breakthrough came when we had him assessed by a wonderful OT who had worked with our eldest. She discovered he has sensory integration issues and mild dyspraxia.
At my lowest ebb I sought assistance through our local Women and Family Centre, and we were lucky enough to see a brilliant social worker who put us onto Marinoto (child mental health division). At that time we wondered whether he had Aspergers, although our OT maintains the behaviours that are interpreted as "social and emotional" are in fact most likely sensory based. The social worker was the first person to say that although his behaviours seemed aggressive, they were quite probably anxiety based. That was a breakthrough for me (and equally heartbreaking to know).
When problems at preschool escalated (they finally believed what I had been telling them!), we got the Ministry of Education Special Education involved, which certainly helped with the transition to school. Preschool's input also got through the referral to Marinoto. Marinoto decided that his challenges were basically difficulty in regulating his emotions, and we are half way through "Parent Child Interaction Therapy".
There have been many times I would have done anything for our son to be given a label, just so I could explain to people why he behaved as he did - and to ease guilt that I must be doing something very very wrong as a parent (even though our other two kids don't have any of these challenges). I still wish I could understand exactly WHY he is like he is (I like whys too!), but I am slowly accepting that we never will, and that all the "diagnoses" are not the answer. I would still love to know if it IS in fact "just" part of his giftedness, or sensory, or emotional regulation difficulty, or asynchronous development... or some or all of that, or something else.
But in reality all I actually want to know is how to best parent/guide/help my son to make his life happier. And as Tiz Me so aptly (as ever) points out, it makes me feel sick to start pondering what it must be like for him, that he gets to that point where he literally physically explodes.
Don't know if any of that helps at all (probably doesn't). I'm sure with our son that the OT has helped, and many other tips picked up along the way from many sources (happy to email separately if you are interested), and hopefully this PCIT we are doing will help as well. I am trying VERY hard to focus on all the great things he does and to label those for him, because sadly it is so easy for such children to live with (and then live up to) the negative words they can hear about themselves.
The plunket nurse we saw when my son was around 15 months old summed things up with "he will be very hard to parent, and you'll have to do things differently with him, but he'll be an amazing and capable adult". I so hope she's right!
There have been many good ideas about school stressors, food intolerances, processing or asynchronistic issues etc and it might be a good idea to check these out - but, long and short everyone [however gifted] needs to learn to handle frustration, disappointment and their emotions. if that measn get some extra tools then that s a great idea, but don't get sucked into thinking that all gifted kids are in need of extra tools or have additional problems, many don't.
Babies experience a great life of being taken care of; yell and you'll get fed/changed/ attended to. However as kids grow up they need to learn to shift from being so dependent to doing some things for themselves and dealing with the odd mistake or failure along the way.
Perfectionism can be a good thing if it helps folk to aim high, but it can have a dark side and can mean never being satisified with achievements or what you have. The bad news is the more parents or teachers help out/make it better etc the more these behaviours and views escalate - kids can inadvertently get the message that you also thought they needed help or that they must be right to believe 'it' [whatever that was] was grossly unfair because you're giving them so much attention to get over it, or fix it for them. Without any other life expereince they learn to expect more of this in the future and to deal with difficulties in the same fashion.
It is usually better whenever possible to wait until the child is calm [when kids are calm they can be smart] and then help by supporting the child's own problem solving or prompting with a clue to a possible 'next step' to fixing the issue. Everyone needs to learn responsibility for their actions and it isn't an easy lesson but it doesn't get easier with age. The added bonus is kids get to feel really great because they did it themselves!
Emotionally sensitive kids can worry and feel more on an exponential level but again finding a useful solution that the child can use is the aim of the exercise because they'll still be going to school, or learning, or mixing with people who they don't always get on with, or not being able to do something as well as they'd expect or at the time they'd like to etc.
Keep in mind that these sensitive, often highly reactive kids can also be really great caring adults if they learn the skills to use their sensitivey positively.
Thanks to everyone above, your experiences and advice offer a lot of comfort and food for thought. We saw a therapist yesterday and it is great to be finally on the path to getting the right help.
One thing the therapist said was that often gifted children have behavioural problems at school, as well as at home. We said our boy was pretty much a silent angel at school, no behavioural issues there. Then, yesterday afternoon a major blow. I found out that our boy had been repeatably chasing a girl (ex kindy best friend) around the playground during breaks and was making her very upset, so upset that she arrived at school in tears. The deputy principal spoke to the class and to our boy directly about it in the morning but he still chased her at lunchtime. This is quite devastating as his behaviour is not not just impacting us, but other families and that is just aweful.
I assume that our boy has a need to interact, but is afraid of children in a group, and doesn’t know how to engage his friend, hence the chasing. I am feeling quite distressed about it. We are working on a plan and will talk to the school about it next week.
Hi Jenny. Our son did the chasing thing at preschool, but so far (touch wood) hasn't done so at school. It was just as you said - not knowing how to join in the play, and chasing sure gets a response. It's good that you are on to it, because otherwise it can become habit, and unfortunately other kids typecast them in that role.
Alison, such wise words about gifted children. Just a shame parents so often have to go through such a tough time and see so many different people until they find someone who understands and can actually help. If they are lucky enough to find anyone. If only our education systems/providers weren't so aimed at "the norm" and were more accepting and supportive of those outside the box (and their families).
I can totally understand! I have a boy who is exactly the same age, and while he exhibits slightly different behaviour, it comes down to the same thing: anger and control. He will flip out at the smallest thing, screaming and yelling and throwing stuff around.
Tonight for example he packed a tantrum in the car over something slightly minor that he thought that I had said (I hadn't said what he thought I had!).
Anyway I just had to respond to your post because we are in the process of receiving help and testing for my son's behaviour. They have discovered he is gifted, working well beyond his level. The school is not currently working with me on this and not catering for his needs. Our latest tests just last week suggested that because he is gifted he is developing unevenly, so his intellectual intelligence is high but emotional regulation and social abilities are low. They have looked at Aspergers but think that if he has this he is very high functioning-meaning its not picked up on the tests.
I guess what I want you to know is that you are not alone! There are plenty of us out there coping with our child's behaviour that is not necessarily to do with our parenting! I would definitely advise you to go to your doctor and seek help and testing. From my experience you don't get much help from the school teachers, though the SENCO (Special Education Needs Coordinator) at your son's school may be able to help, so seek to get them on board as quick as possible!
Katie, that's interesting... one of the guesses with our son was Asperger's. When assessed they decided that although he "filled many of the trays", because he is capable of reciprocal play, Asperger's was ruled out. I think you are right about asynchronous development. Not that that makes dealing with the daily challenges any easier!
Thanks BBSM and Katie. One good thing is that our school is great. The SENCO, who's also the deputy principal is right on to it and we are in the process of applying for an RTLB teacher. So on that front it's all been positive.
This morning, for the first time in six days (since I found out about the chasing) I actually felt quite good. However we had one of the worst episodes after school.
I met my son at the 3pm bell just outside his classroom as normal. The meeting area is right by the crowded junior school playground. My friend noticed that my son's bag was dripping so I proceeded to remove from it his sodden books and the open water bottle. I had to put his wet books in my dry bag. This when he broke out into a rage, hitting, biting and scratching me, even drawing blood. It took about ten minutes to get off the school grounds. The whole time I was being yelled out, things such as "do as I say" all the while was just laying in to me.
The episode continued on for another ten minutes on the walk home before another freind had a firm talk to him and he finally calmed down.
I pretty much held it together until I got home. Now I'm a mess. Right now my son is playing happily in the bath like nothing has happened. I feel really confused and like I need some personal support but I've got no idea what kind. I am absolutely exhausted. I'm sure many of you can relate and it helps to write this stuff down. I wish we had a local support group or something, I really need to talk to people who truely understand. Friends are good but they don't really get it - which is lucky for them.
My son from 2 to 9 was prone to appalling and sometimes violent 'melt-downs' at both home and school. Was assessed as highly gifted but not well catered for at school and was bullied from Yr 3 onwards which triggered many of the school episodes. We were at our wits end by late in Yr 5, all aspects of family life were being poisoned, like you we were concerned about effect on little sister, relations with school were toxic and I dreaded seeing school number on my phone ("what's he done NOW?!!" my first thought). We went to an ed psych who 'got him' really well and advised us to change schools if we could. She said we had a lovely bright boy who was arriving at school every day so wound up by the prospect of the bullying by students and staff and the lack of intellectual stimulation that he was on a perpetual hair trigger, 3 years of this had stunted his development of emotional control and self image badly. Essentially was stuck in the "terrible twos".
We switched schools over the summer (had to move house to do it) cut off all contact with previous bunch of kids and in a calm moment told him this was his chance to start again.
We and he never looked back. There was never any more trouble at school, home stuff died away over the following year as everyone relaxed. The new school was calm, safe and had an extension programme. He has gone from strength to strength, winning service awards and doing great academically, now a confident, talented, mature young teenager who is a delight to have around.
I tell this tale to give you hope, also to encourage getting a professional to help and give you the clear-sighted outside view and strategies. Good luck and all the best.
Oh Jenny, you poor thing. I do totally understand. It's so very very hard to have that (apparent) rage directed at you, when you know your motivation to remove the wet things was to help him. Well done for holding it together until you got home, and lucky he responded to your friend.
It was that state of confusion then sheer desperation that drove me to our local women and family centre, and I agree, it would be so helpful to have a support group. What area do you live in?
The best advice I can give you at the moment is to remember to look after yourself - which is usually really low on a mum's priority list - because dealing with these challenges is absolutely draining emotionally. I know it doesn't feel like it, and you probably won't believe me (I didn't when people said this to me!), but you ARE a good parent because you obviously care so much for your son, and are trying desperately to understand him and find strategies to help him (and therefore your family).
I totally agree with BBSM - please BE KIND to yourself and to take care of YOU in all this.
Lynn Berresford has a good article in the current issue of Tots to Teens - and if you are in Auckland I would DEFINITELY recommend contacting her - she is excellent and dont worry yourself about any fear of judgment or breaking down in tears - I done my share I assure you and was wearing my Worst Mum of the Decade badge upon my sleeve.
As difficult as this may be right now, it could well be a blessing in disguise - how easy would it be to *shrug off* minor behavioural inconsistancies .... and how hard would it be under those circumstances to access resources to help your son.
You poor thing - experiences like the one describe with the wet bag make being a parnet feel like it isn't much fun and more like hard work. It really shouldn't feel like that, it is too draining! The others are right - keep the faith in yourself, get the help you need and KEEP ASKING FOR IT if at first it doesn't help.
The RTLB is a very good idea, and a Triple P trained person in your area might also be worth a try if you're stuck. They are an internatinally recognised organisation with well researched, practical ideas and programme for parents managing all sorts of behavioural and ordinary parenting issues, [including parents with gifted children]. You can contact Triple P Auckland for a list of your nearest qualified person.
Triple P info.nz@triplep.net.nz or phone 09 5791794
Another avenue you could consider is asking your GP for a referral to a Paediatric service for help. Often these services come with clinical psychologists and Paediatricians working together and can offer assessment and help with emotional distress, behaviour and all sorts of other troubles.
Hang in there, don't give up or put up with not being happy and not having a happy child - you're doing the right thing by seeking help, stick with it!
Hi Jenny,
I really feel for you. Our son had very violent outbursts that went on sometimes for an hour. They were terrifying as we used to feel that if there were knifes or other tools around we could have been seriously hurt. He had to be physically held down and as he got older this sometimes took myself and my older son.
He was basically well behaved at school but it was as if he had run out of being good by the time school ended. He is a perfectionist and also would get very anxious and need to know exactly what was happening. He was very determined and would work at breaking world records eg giving up sleeping. (this attempt lasted for about 3 months and even with all stimulation removed, he would sit in the dark untill he would sleep about 3 in the morning).
This was all a few years ago and I am trying to think how this situation resolved. He is now a delightful, happy and popular teenager. Still occasionally a challenge because of his perfectionism.
Things I did which helped -
I learnt not to assume that he understood things. I was so busy that I did not always take the time to let him know what was happening. eg I would just say get in the car with out telling him what the plan was.
He had/has a strong sense of injustice and justice. Things that seemed minor to us were major to him and learning not to discount this and to talk to him about it helped (after things had calmed down).
He had to learn that his violent outbursts did not work for him. I explained that he needed to learn other ways to deal with his anger and frustration. He learnt to tell us when he felt angry and I would get him to hit a pillow or to hit bits of wood with other sticks. Sometimes he needed a physical outlet.
When I made mistakes I would apologise to him and would also get him to apologise to me when he made mistakes.
I let him know that parenting is does not have totally correct way of doing things and that I was learning as well and would make mistakes but that we were being the best parents we knew how to be and we were doing it with love.
I think for him that it was a maturing problem. He had to learn acceptable ways to deal with the frustrations, anxieties and stresses of life. there were times when I could talk and take time to explain things to him but he also had to know that there were times when he just had to obey me as I was the parent.
A very tough time for you. Having gifted kids can be so wonderful and also is such hard work sometimes. I hope I have offered you some hope, I have never written before but I really feel for you.
Thanks so much to everyone above for your posts. It is wonderful to read something and to be able to relate to it. In the next couple of days I'm going to print out all of the above and really absorb all of your experiences and advice. This forum has been such a help for us.
The weekend just gone has been lovely. We had a casual family function yesterday and our son really enjoyed himself and even spoke to people that he's never spoken to before. I'm not sure what today will hold, he'll either still be on a happy high from the weekend or all that effort of being a functional social being will take its toll and ... you know the rest. More soon.
Hi Jenny
I so feel for you! It's hard being on the end of attacks and a defiant attitude. I have a nearly 6 year old who is hard to deal with - emotionally and socially, he's just so behind. Intellectually, he's a bright spark and we're going through the motions to find out whether he is gifted or not (see thread : gifted or just hard work?). When he gets all worked up in a rage, very little I say will get through to him & I can't reason with him when he's in this state of mind. Half of the time though I can get him to do some deep breathing (I do it with him) and then once he's calm (and yes it can take a while!), try to rationally explain things and ask him what he could do to make the situation better. Admittedly, sometimes this just doesn't work no matter how much "calm earth mother talking" I do! He has been in such a rage that I've had to put him outside and lock the door. He then kicked the glass window in and needed 13 stitches. Think I filled out maybe 3 ACC forms over the school holidays, due to his rages. Talk about feeling like worst mother of the year. Felt like I'd have CYFS on my front doorstep if it carried on. He has been in the system, as myself and his preschool teachers thought he may have been on the Spectrum, but his psychologist ended up saying that if he did have Aspergers it would be very mild. Even though he had quite a few traits, they weren't enough for a diagnosis. He is bossy toward his 4 year old brother (oh the fights!) and thinks that rules don't apply to him.
I know none of this really helps you, but want you to know that you aren't alone and if you ever want to email me, please feel free. Sometimes you just need to get things off your chest, and swap ideas. Where abouts do you live? I really hope things improve for you! Take care of yourself.
I have come home from school dropoff crying my eyes out and decided to check e mails and found you all. I have had the mother of all mornings, Tommy (2nd child) gifted child had the biggest meltdown in car and at the school grounds. Tommy is well behaved at home and saves his less desirable behaviour for me at home. It starts as soon as he gets in the car from school hitting, but mostly words and nasty comments.
He is gluten free, has an intense first born older brother and a full on little sister whom I worry about as he can be very nasty to her also.
Just wanted to let you know you are not alone, but also that I am at the end of my teether.
They make you feel like the worst mother ever, well I get told that from Tommy enough maybe I just believe it now.
Not sure were to go from here the only solution I see is being tough like this morning I literally felt like I dragged him into school closed the door and left. How embarrassing!
Any solutions suggestions and help would be welcome.
Tommy has been assessed educational pysch and behavioural optom.
This forum has been a real saviour for me. I now no longer feel like the worst parent in the world. No, that's not because you guys are worse, it's because we are all dealing with very special children that push us to our very limits of our emotions and cap sap every last bit of energy out of us.
On a positive note the last ten days for us have, on the whole, been really good and we had the great news on Friday that our RTLB application had been accepted. We are very happy. So hopefully in conjunction with the ed psychologist that we are seeing privately that things should improve overall.
This afternoon I went to see the movie called Extremely Loud, Incredibly Close. I really enjoyed it and found it very moving, mainly because many of the behaviours of the 12-year-old autistic boy were similar to my five-year-old boy's. I'm sure he's not autistic though, but it really gave me an appreciation of what must be going on in his mind.
We live in Wellington and I'd love to join a local support group. Are there any in place already? If not I'd be keen to set one up. Any ideas on how to go about doing this? Maybe I could email the editor of Tall Poppies.
Hang in there Belinda, and thanks again to everyone else who has been part of this thread.
Great to hear Jenny .... savour the better times and if it all turns to custard now an then - well just keep it in perspective and remind both of you that its not all bad and how much you both can appreciate the good.
Psychopathology is just one way of interpreting differences - the same behaviours they pathologise can be understood in different ways - it comes down to which understanding/s are most beneficial to the individual
