This is my first post here. My name is Jen and I have one daughter named Sophie who will be 6 in August. Sophie has had reflux and chronic constipation as well as very sore joints from Joint Hypermobility Syndrome. She is often fatigued, tired as well as being highly emotionally sensitive.
Sophie is bright and very emotionally bright, in that she senses people and the reasons people act certain ways. I don't know if I would consider her 'gifted' in all extremes but found this forum by googling Sensitive Child, so I hope you'll still help me.
Sophie started New Entrant last year and struggled with the change from kindy. She did not like how the teacher growled the children and we had a lot of trouble getting her to go to school. She did go after we had a long talk about how just because Mummy doesn't growl (we practice peaceful parenting and gentle parenting), it doesn't make Mrs. C bad and that this is how Mrs. C copes with rowdy boys.
Sophie was in a Year1/Year2 class at the start of this year and had a very hard time coping. Mrs. G was very beligerent to the children, wore a microphone and yelled. There were several of the Year 1s who cried and did not want to go to class. We tried to arrange a series of meetings with us, the teacher and the principal but in the end it was suggested we move schools as Sophie was reacting so poorly, in their words, to the teaching style of Mrs. G.
So, we moved schools. Sophie was out of school for approx 3 weeks while we looked for a new school. We settled for a school about 15 mins away where she knows some children from Playcentre.
Lots of promises were made about open and honest communication and things seemed to go ok. Sophie said: I think she's only being nice to me because I'm new. I swore up and down that wasn't the case.
School then breaked for the school holidays and at the start the Year 1 class (which had 9 students) was suddenly merged with the New Entrant class (another 9 students). Now the classroom is loud, busy and the teacher does not seem to be coping.
Sophie says she yells, growls and uses big scary eyes to convey her point. Sophie will not go to class and cries. She is having nightmares again. She says that the things that are happening make her think of Mrs. G and that she is still too afraid to go to school.
Sophie has been going to a weekly Self-esteem class that is 2 hours per week during the day. It causes her to miss a morning of school, which the teacher resents. We are also often late due to traffic, trying to get from our house to the school 15 min away. We then have the struggle of crying outside the classroom and her not going in.
Her current teacher is there Mon to Thurs and another teacher takes Fridays. Sophie really enjoys the Friday teacher and when asked if she would go to school if she had her Friday teacher all week, she said yes. Of course this could change.
The teacher said she is falling behind and that she will not complete year 1 and they will hold her back. Personally, I have no issue with this as I know who my child is and academics aren't everything at the primary school level. I was in the Gifted and Talented programme from early on and there was far too much competition for me. I'd much rather she enjoyed school than focused on the results side of academics.
Sophie has recently been out of school for 2 weeks due to a medical crisis. She was admitted into hospital into isolation fearing she had a tummy bug that was serious. This then turned to thinking she had a block in her bowel. She had an xray which showed huge, stretched pockets of gas which worried them. Her stools turned white, gray and chalky, so they shot a liver ultrasound thinking her liver was failing. Thankfully it's fine but they finally decided on a diagnosis of an overgrowth of bacteria in her bowel. She lost quite a few kg due to vomiting and not eating and has been, as you can imagine, very tired. But we have pushed her to go back, despite the crying and the nightmares.
We are meeting with the Mon-Thurs teacher and the prinicpal tomorrow afternoon. This is killing me because I promised it would be like this again and here we are. I want to make it known that we aren't wimpy parents who pander to a princess' every whim.
I am so emotionally overwrought by this year and just don't know where to turn.
Re: Highly Sensitive Child (5.75) and School Issues
Author: sarah
Date: 25-05-11 18:26
It is such a tough situation to be in, I really feel for you.
We had a similar situation with our now 6yr old son. He had a terrible time for the first year of school. He's highly sensitive and also sensitive to noise. His first year teacher growled a lot which made him on edge, more for the sudden noise of it than anything else. He had constant nightmares and everyday was such a battle.
I ended up meeting a reliever at the school and one of the teacher aides and asking them to subtly check in on him. It definitely helped him feel a little more secure knowing that someone checked in on him.
Are there other parents, teacher aides, relievers, anyone...that could help you out?
It's so hard when the teacher/child fit is so obviously the problem!
We were amazed this year what a difference a teacher with a gentle (but still firm) approach could do. We now have a confident boy back.
We are also in Wellington, I know of a couple of schools that have rave reviews from parents with sensitive children...just in case you get to that point.
Re: Highly Sensitive Child (5.75) and School Issues
Author: Linda
Date: 25-05-11 20:20
Remembering that she doesn't legally have to be at school until 6yo, have you considered continuing with Playcentre + non-official home-schooling and extra playdates for a few months. She could continue her self-esteem classes and anything else of interest that provides a semi-school environment e.g. group art, music, or sports.
Sounds very strange for a teacher threatening to hold back a child in Y1 -probably a very empty threat and quite immature of the teacher to raise it.
I imagine (without any judgement or negativity) that 'gentle parenting' doesn't toughen kids up to the range of bullying tactics that some teachers use to get control of the classroom. Sad that children need 'toughening' to defend themselves and also sad that our class ratios (and parenting) result in groups of children that a teacher feels powerless to control without turning to growling etc.
Now that Sophie's class is bigger, is it possible to provide parent help for a few hours (perhaps on roster with other parents) to help monitor the situation while supporting the teacher and children through the transition to the larger group?
Good luck and I hope all the medical issues are behind you all.
Your insights have given us plenty to think over this afternoon. We have found that she does not respond well to growling, etc and hence that is why we opt for the gentle parenting. Yes, I agree that it doesn't toughen kids up and we believe that she will learn resilience through trying times like this.
Sarah, I would love to know of schools in Wellington that know about sensitive children and while we don't want to move schools again, we agree that it is an immature practice to threaten failing our child to get an upper hand.
Re: Highly Sensitive Child (5.75) and School Issues
Author: SDG
Date: 26-05-11 13:33
I agree with Linda, that perhaps you need to take your daughter out of school until she is six. If you do this, I would also look into getting as SES assessment done (Playcentre should be able to help you arrange this). We got SES involved to help with my son's transition to school. He has mild asperger's and is also very sensitive to certain things (noise, change). Prior to my son starting school, I had a meeting with the principal, his teacher and the early intervention teacher from SES. Having someone to advocate for you in an 'official' capacity does seem to add a certain legitimacy to your concerns when you deal with schools. Having said that, we have a wonderful local school, who I'm sure would have taken my concerns seriously without the SES involvement, but I know not all schools are like that.
Could you explain who SES is? Sophie hasn't been to Playcentre since she turned 5, so I don't know if anyone there would be willing to help.
We had a horrid meeting with the school this afternoon. Basically the Principal said that she sees a fine student who follows the rules and is making progress. I said, well, you may be seeing that, but I have a child who cries to not go to school, says the teacher is gruff, raises her voice, etc and cries at night in bed.
She said it was the anxiety of the parents that was causing issues.
Not helpful at all. =(
My child has been ill her whole life with a suspected periodic fever disease, the school knew about this as we talked to them before moving to this school, and it's all gone belly up.
To even try to pass this off as parents being precious is just crazy.
Principal said she goes to the classroom and there is never any yelling or gruff words.
They want to talk to Sophie on her own and ask about school/family. I said yes, but now I'm not too sure.
Re: Highly Sensitive Child (5.75) and School Issues
Author: Linda
Date: 26-05-11 19:32
Oh Jen, that's awful.
I think SDG means Special Education Services (part of Ministry of Education). I'm sure Playcentre would help you and if one doesn't try another. The Playcentre philosophy is inclusive and helpful so I'd be really surprised if you don't get good support there -especially the one you attended before.
I wonder if Sophie could have a support person with her for the Principal's meetings e.g. an aunt or family friend, not to talk, just to observe and protect the child's rights if needed.
Re: Highly Sensitive Child (5.75) and School Issues
Author: Sarah
Date: 27-05-11 19:40
Ohh how I hate the remark 'parents anxiety is the problem'. I was told all those things last year, once they finally understood it wasn't just a neurotic mother they started suggesting aspergers!
We did have a private assessment with Susan Hunt, she is in Whitby. She tested his iq but also wrote a clear report with many suggestions on how to help with his sensitivities and anxieties. His teacher chose to basically ignore the report but the head of the junior section as well as the special needs teacher took it seriously and they put some help for him in place.
I have heard Crofton Downs is an excellent school with a brilliant yr1 teacher.
Really felt for you reading your daughter's first experiences at school. On my daughter's very first day of school, another girl just cried for the whole morning and completely set off all the other kids and by the end, all the girls were crying and half the mothers - what a terrible start! Anyway, she was very like your daughter, struggled with any teacher that raised her voice in class and seemed bossy and loud. We had two years of those teachers and then in Year 3 she had this wonderful younger teacher that had a very constant tone and kept the class quiet and under control at all times. From then on we have never looked back! Our daughter is now Year 6, still a bit sensitive but far better that ever before and loves school.
So what did I learn from this?
1. Talk to the other parents with older children and try to find out about the teachers personalities from them - the loud screaming teachers are always known around the school. Sometimes the ones who appear charming to you are complete lions in the classroom!
2. We have a form that comes home towards the end of the year asking for requests for your child for next year - write down exactly what you want in a teacher - personality wise and don't hesitate to write - 'mild mannered' 'runs a quiet classroom ' etc. Go for it with this form and if you don't get this opportunity, make it anyway and write a note about your choices for her. Spend time writing about your daughter's personality also as their view of her and yours may be quite different i.e they always said our daughter was shy which was complete rubbish.
3. School is a fact of life (unless you home school) so shifting schools all the time won't solve the problem for either of you - if the school she is at is good, stick with it and find the right teacher for next year. I used to wish the year away when we had the wrong teacher and just wish on the next year in hope of a lovely teacher.
Best of luck!
HI, all I can say is go in, sit in the classroom - in the back and do not interact with any child - observe, I did this one a few times.
I know a mum who was in class with her child daily for about a year, she did a very little helping out but was their for her child - sometimes you have to do these sort of things - not the ideal but if really a problem get involved.
Do things like packing away books ect that you can go into the class at any time - this would give you a good idea if it is the teacher or the child.
When I get annoyed with my kids teachers, I voice it to my hubby - somehow my kids pick up on it and then suddenly the kids are coming home with the teacher did this or that or the next thing - when really it is just another day at school. Just had another round of that - told my kid I was going to see the teacher, what are her questions and any complaints - took them up with the teacher and afterwards explained it to the child - I have to be quick on this one or it gets out of hand - happier parent and more relaxed child. By saying positive things about the teacher constantly and explaining "odd" behavior seems to help.
Re: Highly Sensitive Child (5.75) and School Issues
Author: Tiz Me
Date: 10-06-11 14:31
Do you need her to be in school? Could she be home schooled?
I would like to comment on suggestions that 'gentle parenting' doesnt help build resilience .... I would disagree with that - we decided very early (at the first signs of a distressed/fussy/frustrated baby) to adopt an accommodative approach and it has worked wonders for my grandson, we have had many comments regarding how well he has coped with transition to school (which wasnt 'transitioned' at all - he finished kindy went to visit his mum for a month, came back and was just 'thrown into class').
Resilience requires ENERGY .... and it seems to me that this particular childs reserves are going into her physical health. Maybe school just isnt a healthy place for her to be?
I agree that resilience requires energy. I'm not sure whether homeschool is an option, but your little girl may just not be physically and/or emotionally ready for a traditional classroom environment.
A child that is ill or has been ill may need to be seen as [her age minus the total number of months spent ill]. You may be surprised to find that she has been well considerably less time than her chronological age.
At this age I would have been glad if my eldest son had not been so stoic. He went through a great deal of crap even though I held him back by a year due to his prematurity. If he'd let me know what he was experiencing I might have rethought the classroom. I taught him to read and worked with him every day after school to help him catch up in maths and language and could have easily done this until he surpassed me in maths (which wouldn't have taken long). I've explained to other home schooling parents my fears that my poor maths skills would have held my kids back and they said there are always homeschool associations with options for a small group learning environment in one specific academic area. If I'd realised that I would have home schooled. I enjoy teaching and my 3/4 learning disabled sons would have been spared a really miserable 13 yrs.
At any rate, I think this little girl feels overwhelmed and if it isn't strictly necessary I'd take her out, allow her to decompress, and try again when she is 6+.
