I feel close to giving up. We changed our sons school and he hates it. He has started fighting-physically, with other kids, telling us he's being bullied and standing up for himself. He says the teachers only see him "getting even". The school social worker tells us not to change schools- but he is threatning to get suspended- and is working on it. Any ideas for schooling with supportive anti bullying strategies in place- I am getting the brush off.
I've talked to parents from lots of different schools with different decile ratings and the feedback doesn't seem to vary much.
I had some interesting feedback from friends whose daughter is now in her 20's and they said they regret not doing more. Their suggestion was that if it gets bad (and physical is bad, imo) to go to the police as violence isn't a school issue but an actual crime.
Apparently schools start to pay real attention when the cops turn up.
Good luck and let us know how you get on. I'm dealing with a milder version of your problem too.
Your son wants out of the school and is acting up to achieve it. Don't fall for it. Presuming he's old enough and intelligent enough to know better (sounds as though he is) as opposed to a 2 yo level of communication, he needs to detail the alleged bullying so it can be dealt with appropriately. It's not good enough for him to say he's 'getting even' without taking the appropriate steps to get the bullying stopped in the first place. I think reminding him of the steps to stopping bullying followed by strong consequences if he takes things to a physical level.
He may be completely on the level about the situation -in which case he needs to spill the detail so the adults can support him in sorting it.
You know at 12 or 13 my daughter was "stood down" for "bullying" .... and just to be clear what the bullying was - she stood up in the middle of class, swore at a kid who had been harrassing and goading her all morning (she had attempted to use her time out cards but the teacher took them off her and told her he would decide, not her whether she could use them or not) packed her gear, went down to learning support, sat down got her books out and proceeded to get on with her school work.
These are the events that had been described to me as her being "totally out of control".
Well I had had an absolute guts full by then - year in and year out my daughter had been marginalised, ostracised and bullied and year after year they blamed her for not "making more of an effort to be more like and get along with the other kids" and year after year no one did anything about it.
I packed away my idealistic notions about how things SHOULD be .... and I was ready to kick some serious butt!
My daughter turned around to me about a year or so after that and said "Its OK for you Mum .... someone messes with you, they do it only once - coz you are so staunch they cant get away with it.
I did a lot of thinking about that - reality was that I had been so intent on taking the "moral highground" in trying to deal with her situations that I had totally failed to provide that kid with the tools and opportunities to learn to stand up for herself.
I believe I was wrong for having any belief in the "systems in place" - while there may be one or two little communities here and there that employ them successfully, for the most part adults allow their own prejudices to take precedence and turn a blind eye at their convenience.
I know others will disagree - but I actually believe in natural justice these days and that, depending on the circumstances of course, if I had my time again I would have affirmed that there are indeed times when it is ok to stand up for yourself.
I have a bit of the opposite going on here at the moment - my grandson coming home on the odd occassion with bruises or the like .... in one instance, I was giving him a bath and noticed a bruise on his arm then realised (was a bit shocked actually) the bruise was actually a bite mark (which stayed quite a long time) .... and there have been a few others and he is very quick to rationalise them - and seems more concerned that I know that he didnt retaliate in any way.
Particularly rationalising "they are only little, so they havent learnt not to" but he's the biggest kid there so of course they are little by comparison .... last measure and it was a long time ago he was 120cms - and he is 4!
The biting incident had been witnessed (and was dealt with) but due to my grandsons stoic response they were not aware just how hard he had been bitten nor that he had actually been hurt.
Just giving his school the benefit of the doubt at the moment - is it possible that your son is behaving similarly to the initial incidents hence those actions being overlooked? If so .... maybe a little encouragement to become more "disruptive" when it actually happens (going to the teacher all calmly and rationally makes it less believable and increases the chances of being marked as a "tell tale") if it is happening in class or around teachers .... I mean who could fault a child for yelling at the perpetrator things like " look I have told you to LEAVE ME alone - I am sick of you harassing me" or something to that effect.
We teach the under-5's to say 'STOP, I DON"T LIKE IT' to others upsetting them and then get a teacher if the behaviour doesn't stop. Same for the older ones perhaps!
This must be a very trying situation for you. You mention a social worker at the school, does this mean it's a secondary school? Things were not working out at his previous school. Are there similar general problems here? Maybe you could find an independent counsellor or psychologist to help analyse objectively what's really happening and form some strategies together with the school to deal with things so you're all happier. There must be a behaviour policy at the school to give your son guidelines and security, working for him and the other students.
